How to be obnoxious

By Sueanne Dolentz

Are you tired of being the type of person that everyone comes to with their questions, concerns and problems? Are you tired of people thinking you have all the answers? Are you tired of being designating as the group therapist?

Well, if you answered yes to any one of those questions, take heart. There is something you can do to change this.

The key to getting out of this vicious cycle is simple: Become the type of person no one likes to talk to. Become the type of person no one wants to be around. Become obnoxious.

What to expect

Expect to rapidly lose friends. Typically, your friends and acquaintances will begin to distance themselves from you. Be prepared to deal with the consequences. If you are the type of person who is a "social butterfly" you may want to reconsider taking on a project of this type.

Getting Started

Becoming an obnoxious person is not as easy as it sounds. It takes weeks of hard work and dedication to master being obnoxious. Before setting such a monumental goal, be sure you have the time, determination and ambition to dedicate to this full-time job.

You can master the technique in three basic steps.

Being obnoxious in conversation

This is the most important step in becoming an obnoxious person.

• Pretend that you have better things to do such as reading, eating or thinking than listen to whoever is speaking to you.
• Stare at people dumbly and never respond to what they are saying.
• Frequently interrupt with stories of your own. Stories that have nothing to do with the discussion at hand work best for this.
• Ask people stupid questions like, “Why are you telling me this?” Try to do this in the middle of what they are saying.
• If it’s a particularly serious topic, laugh hysterically and point at them.
• Interrupt at random intervals with animal noises or vulgar sayings that are completely out of context and extremely inappropriate.
• Always be argumentative by disagreeing with anything anyone has to say.

Being obnoxious at the table

Obnoxious table manners are quintessential to becoming that obnoxious individual.

• While eating, use vulgar and/or animal noises.
• Chew loudly and speak with your mouth full.
• Freely flaunt your bodily functions. Burp loudly, blow your nose in front of everyone, and feel free to pass gas.

Being obnoxious in everyday life

In order to be successful here, remember to have no consideration for others around you.

• Make faces at people on a daily basis. Keep in mind that these faces should be particularly ugly and rude.
• Use inappropriate gestures whenever possible, especially with random strangers.
• Be as noisy as is humanly possible. Whether it be speaking loudly or screaming at random intervals or playing music at unheard-of levels.
• On a regular basis, make sure you inform others of your superiority.

What not to do

• Do NOT offer to help with anything ever.
• Do NOT shower on a regular basis
• Do NOT listen to what other people have to say
• Do NOT consider the effects of your actions

Remember to always laugh after engaging in atrocious behavior. This will show others how funny you think you are.

The Results

Remember not to expect immediate results from following these steps. It may take some time to perfect your technique and for others to respond in an appropriate manner to your behavior. Practice these steps on a regular basis to get used to your new persona.

Keep in mind that becoming an obnoxious person can produce serious, long-term results and open up a whole new world to you. Good luck.

Obnoxious Sayings

• "Huh?"
• "Um...you're dumb."
• "Is that weird smell coming from you?"
• "Wow, you really don't look so good."
• "Am I supposed to be listening to you?"
• "I don't remember you asking me if I cared."
• "I don't care."
• "Wanna hear the most annoying sound in the world?"
• "Have you always been so weird?"
• "I don't really...like you, you know?"
• "Sometimes, when I get nervous, I put my hands under my arms...and then I smell them...like this."
• "Why don't you like me? Why don't you like me? Why don't you like me? Why don't...

Ways to look obnoxious

Links of what to do:

Definition of Obnoxious

Comebacks, insults, sarcasm

Links of what not to do:

How to converse well

Making good conversation