How to Annoy Your Waitress

Step 1: The Initial Encounter

When your waitress first approaches you and asks you how you are, respond simply with, "Coffee" or "Pepsi" or "Beer."

• It is imperative that you refrain from pleasantries.
• Avoid eye contact and use a gruff voice.

Step 2: Ordering

When your waitress returns with your coffee and asks for your order, tell her you are not ready to order yet.

• Again, use a gruff or sarcastic voice.
• Repeat this step to lead to drastically heightened annoyance.

Note: Closing one's menu and setting it on the edge of the table is a normal indication of readiness to order. This tradition can be used to annoy by putting your menu at the edge of the table, then removing it when your waitress approaches you, and responding to her inquiry with a firm, "No, I am not ready yet. Can't you see I'm still looking?" or something of the like.

Step 3: Re-Ordering

After you are sure your waitress has put your order in to be made, request a special modification on your food. This means she will have to run to the kitchen and tell the disgruntled cooks to stop making your previous order.

• For increased levels of annoyance, request several special modifications.
• For supreme annoyance, change your entire order.

Step 4: Food Delivery

When your food is delivered, complain.

• Complain about how long your food took to cook (even if it wasn't very long in reality).
• Use a loud voice, profane language and excessive hand gestures in complaint.
• If desired, send the food back to be re-made completely.
• Or, insist to your waitress that the food you have been served is not what you originally ordered (Warning: blatant lying required).

Note: If at any time a restaurant manager is sent to your table to deal with you, it is recommended that you assume a normal disposition for optimal confusion on the part of the manager, and optimal frustration on the part of the waitress.

Step 5: The Checkback

When your waitress returns to ask how your food is tasting, assure her that it tastes terrible.

• Tell her the food is cold or made wrong.
• If desired, send it back (again) to be re-made.

When your waitress leaves after the checkback, make a pass at her.

• Be as lewd as possible, but
• Avoid actual physical contact, as this may result in undesirable law enforcement intervention.

Step 6: Check Delivery/Dessert Order

After the check is delivered and you have assured your waitress that you need nothing else, flag her down and order dessert.

• Use a loud voice and flambuoyant hand gestures.
• If possible, wait to call her until she is at another table.

Step 7: The Final Encounter

Upon your last encounter with your waitress, ignore her admonition to "have a nice day" and leave no tip.

• Be sure to leave the most substantial and grotesque mess possible on the table
• Exit the restaurant at your leisure.

Note: No actual customers or waitresses were harmed in the making of this how-to, not including the previous experience necessary to gain waitress-annoyance expertise.

Do's

• DO mumble
• DO contradict yourself
• DO be sloppy
• DO use profanity
• DO be demanding

Don't's

• DON'T be pleasant
• DON'T be understanding
• DON'T be generous
• DON'T be tolerant
• DON'T use table manners

10 Annoying Phrases

1. "Can I get your phone number?"
2. "You did a great job waiting on our softball team -- here's fifty cents."
3. "Do the mashed potatoes and gravy come with gravy on them?"
4. "Well, yes I am married...but can't I get your phone number?"
5. "Sorry my buddy puked on the table. He had a little too much to drink, I guess."
6. "What do you mean you don't serve Big Macs here? This is a restaurant, isn't it?"
7. "Um, we have a bus of fifty people coming in to the restaurant. Is that okay?"
8. "Last time I came they gave me my food for free."
9. "You don't want a tip, do you?"
10. "I have a granddaughter who looks just like you...can I get your phone number?"

Things to Remember

• You are the customer; you are always right!
• Waitresses do not have feelings
• Waitresses were born to serve you
• Leaving a tip is simply a suggestion, not a requirement (kind-of like a stop sign)
• All waitresses like being hit on
• Waitresses never ever have bad days

Other Helpful Sites

• GetAnnoyed.com
• How to be Generally Annoying
• 101 Ways to Annoy
• The Stained Apron

WARNING: Choosing to heed the advice of this how-to may be harmful to your health...and you just may get soaked.

Lindsay Larson © 2004 | Last modified: Oct. 2004
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