How to Become a Rock Star

by Julie Bratvold

Ah yes, rock stars. Women want to be with them, men want to be them. If you often say to yourself, “Man, I wish I could be as cool as that guy from The Strokes,” then you have come to the right place. If you follow these simple steps, you too can become a rock star in no time!

Meet David. This average young man has always wanted to be a rock star. If he only follows five easy steps, he can achieve his goal.

Step 1: Get an instrument

You don’t actually need talent to become a rock star, but you do need the proper equipment. It’s best to be wise and take your time when deciding on which instrument to buy. Don’t just run to your nearest music megastore and purchase the first shiny guitar that catches your eye. You want people to think that you actually play the instrument, so pawn shops and other used-goods stores are the best places to find instruments that already have that used look. A few scratch marks, sticker decals and a case that is falling apart will give your instrument a look that says “My owner must be good since I have been used so much!”

David obtained a used guitar. Notice how he is already a happier man.

Step 2: Dress the part

When rock stars walk into the room, heads automatically turn to them. Some people were just born with that special presence. For those of us who weren’t, proper style can give you the look and confidence to command attention in any situation.

The rock band T-shirt mixed with the old school accessories give David rock star style.

Step 3: Get some groupies

Obtaining groupies is the most difficult part of becoming a rock star. It may take a little while for people to recognize your greatness, but once they do it will be worth the wait.

David has managed to find some groupies. Girls who wear shirts with slogans such as "make-out bandit" tend to make devoted groupies.

Step 4: Party like there’s no tomorrow

Rock stars are famous for their ability to party. In order to be a rock star you have to live up to this hard-livin’ reputation.

(WARNING: PARTYING LIKE A ROCK STAR MIGHT BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH)

David has found vodka, beer and cigarettes. These are a few must-haves for any rock star. Also, the hazy look in his eyes says "I know how to party."

Step 5: Put your plan into action

If you simply follow steps one through four and you should be prepared to enjoy the life and luxuries of a rock star!

David combined steps one through four to achieve his dream of becoming a rock star. He now has the equipment, the look, the groupies and he knows how to party!

Reasons to become a rock star

• lonely and need friends
• want to attract women
• want an excuse for your drug/alcohol/nicotine addiction
• desire fame
• love money
• you feel you are too cool to be treated like a normal person

Cool instruments

• Guitar (electric or acoustic)
• Bass guitar
• Drums

• Accordion
• Bagpipes
• Tuba

To find used instruments check out

Musicalinstruments.com

Musicians Buy Line

Key elements to a rock star’s look include

• Vintage rock T-shirt, at least two sizes too small
• Truckers’s baseball cap
• Big Elvis-style sunglasses
• Messed-up hair (to achieve this look, simply avoid combing or washing your hair)

Items to avoid

• Bling-bling (that is reserved for rappers only)
• Anything from preppy stores such as The Gap, Abercrombie and Fitch, or American Eagle

To find rock star clothing and accessories check out

Rerock 4ever

Ways to attract groupies

• Hire someone to spread the word about how cool you are
• Sell your autograph on E-bay
• Tell stories about your days on the road with _________ (fill in the name of popular rock band)
• Hire a pretty girl to be your girlfriend, then have a highly publicized break-up

Good groupies

• Supermodels
• A-list celebrities
• Porn stars

Bad groupies

• Your parents
• College professors
• The elderly

Preparing to party

A few months before you actually put your rock star plan into action, you need to pick up some party habits.

• Program your body to function on less than two-hours of sleep a night (caffeine pills and cocaine can help you with this)
• Smoke at least two packs of cigarettes a day
• Learn to hold your liquor (rock stars need to be able to drink A LOT)
• Pick up a drug addiction, enter rehab, relapse as soon you leave rehab

At the party

• Talk loudly to ensure that you are the center of attention
• Have at least two pretty women at your side at all times
• Chain smoke
• Binge drink
• Tell stories about your days in rehab

Other sites to help you become a rock star

10 Commandments to Become Rock Stars

How to Become a Famous Rock Star

How to Become a World Famous Rock 'n' Roll Star