How-to Join Your First Role-playing Game Session

By Jeremy Althiser

What's a Role-playing Game Session?

It's kind of like a mix of acting troupe and group therapy for the socially maladjusted. In such a group the members:

• Role-play that they are part of another world where they don't have to: pay rent, get jobs, or date.
• Pretend they have great powers not normally found in their parent's basement.
• Escape to game worlds that allow this collection of misfits, arrested adolescents, and Conan-wannabes to actually have fun. For one night a week.

Part One: The Basic Gaming Group

One of the keys to joining the group is to recognize the members of the nerd herd. The nerd herd is a delicate balance of power and insecurity. Sucking up to the right members will make your transition from observer to herd member easier.

The GM.

This guy runs the game. 
Aka:

• The Gamemaster
• The Head Honcho
• His Royal Nerdness

Your mission the first game session: find out what this guy likes for future pandering.

• Checklist of GM likes:
  • What is his favorite food?
  • What shows does he watch?
  • What pop does he drink?

Become his friend.
Defer to him when requiring anything, such as:

• help in the game
• pencil or paper
• a reason to go on living

If you are female gamer sit close (but not too close) as to always be within visual range.

The Troglodyte.

Telltale signs:

• Yelling.
• Sloping forehead and knuckle hair.
• Answers challenges by throwing things, especially:
  • Dice
  • Chips
  • Soda cans

Get on this guy's good side.

• Try constructive toadying.
• Get his pop and snacks.
• Always back his character's play in game.

Or get dice proof glasses. Your call.

The Rulesmonger.

The CPA of the role-playing world, this player loves facts, figures, and most of all rules. Don't be surprised if his character sheets look more like exactly tallied spreadsheets.

Telltale signs:

• Has more books that the GM.
• Knows all the rules. Only he has interpreted them correctly, and reminds everyone constantly.
• Everyone else is wrong; his character's are always right.

If the GM resists this guy:

• Prove him wrong.
• Back the GM.
• Get the Trog to throw sodas at him.

If the GM let's this guy have his way:

• Know the Rulesmonger REALLY runs the game.
• Treat him like you would the GM. 

The Chatterbox.

• Launches into long discussions about anything, as long as anything has nothing to do with the game.
• Pipes in with “Did you guys see Charmed last night, it was soooo cool...”
• Speaks with hands as well as mouth.
• Seeks attention during any lull in the game.

How to deal with this annoyance:

• Respond to this guy, enjoy his banter.
• Do not initiate conversation, it just encourages him.

Part Two: Break the Ice

In social situations first impressions count. You only have seconds to pop or flop. Everywhere else but here. At the gaming table you have all night to embarrass yourself.

Relax. Be yourself, if yourself is a pock-marked insecure teenage male fresh from arguing about B5 trivia on a distant forum or newsgroup.

Otherwise fake it, and fast.

• Bring snacks.
  • Salty stuff or stuff with colorful powder residue is best.
  • Acidic suger-fluid in aluminum containers is also well received.
• Yammer on without provocation about some inane pop topic. Make sure these topics are well-known. The last thing a group wants is to deal with the outside world in an unfamiliar way. "(Immensely popular pop icon) totally sucks (begin diatribe)..." works wonders.
• Grab dice, books, or miniatures without asking.
  • Oogle them.
  • If somone is upset start a sissy slap fight or puffed up screaming session.

Special Note: If you have role-played before the BEST ice breaker is to start an hour-long tirade about an old, ridiculously powerful character. "Randlmar, my 20th level beastmaster-warrior once burned down the entire city of Anglmark with his +10 Manslayer..."  is great because no one wants to hear about you. Gamers care about characters, not people; if they liked people they'd be somewhere else on the weekends.

• Established feeding times
• Safe grazing areas
• Hair-trigger fight or flight reflexes.

Confidence.

• No-nos:
  • Broad smiles and firm handshakes.
  • Acting like an adult.
• Smile uncomfortably and laugh at burps and farts.

A woman.

• Beware if:
  • You are a female.
  • You have intimate knowledge of one.
• The feminine species is unknown to the nerd herd. The only woman gamers trust is mom. See The Female Gamer (sidebar).

Personal hygiene.

• Try not to shave or bathe before a game.
• Pluses:
  • Zits
  • Mismatched clothes
  • Staining fingers with chocolate or the orange dust from snack chips.

Part Four: Congratulations, You Are a Gamer!

The good news is you are in. The bad news is you are now a gamer geek. You now live in a world where random tables and dice rolls substitute for human contact and the opposite sex. Where disposable income means extra nacho chips and a new gaming supplement. Enjoy.