How To Get Abducted By Aliens: Sarah Roley

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How to get abducted by aliens

By Sarah Roley

Introduction

Since the famous "Roswell" incident of 1945, tales of UFOs, close encounters, and alien abductions have abounded. People everywhere eagerly share fantastic tales of mysterious other-worldly beings. The media is also full of stories. The "X-Files," "Star Trek," Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and E.T. garner tremendous audiences, while the Internet is a veritable hothouse of abductee talk.

So, you may ask, how do I jump on the bandwagon? I have not been abducted. I have seen no UFO. In fact, I have not one scrap of evidence to support the existence of extra-terrestrials, much less their activity in this solar system. What can I do?

Well, that's a good question. And I'll admit alien abduction is not an exact science. It is difficult to separate fact from fiction, the crackpots and fruitcakes from the scientists and philosophers. Some who claim abduction are in earnest, others just in need of a good psychiatric evaluation. The mechanisms of studying such claims is not our intent here, however. The single best way to convince yourself that aliens truly exist is to be abducted yourself. So, let us begin.

Choosing your host

First, you must identify the type of aliens you wish to join. This is crucial. Amongst certain tribes, you will enjoy a healthy cross-cultural experience, perhaps bringing back to Earth ideas and technologies beneficial to the planet. Amongst certain other abductors, such as the medical experimentation and baby snatcher aliens, life can be miserable. They may expose your body to very long needles, take your baby (hence "baby snatchers"), or force you to consume large amounts of toxic substances.

Preparing for abduction

Once you've decided on an alien group, drop subtle hints this is known as announcing your candidacy. It can take a number of forms casual conversation at the water cooler or the purchase of abduction literature, for example. It is imperative that this is done correctly. Don't be too eager or too apathetic, for at either extreme, you risk attracting the wrong alien.

Abduction etiquette

You've chosen your host and announced your candidacy for abduction. What do you do on the big day? Nothing. Leave it all to them. Remember this is an abduction. They need no help; they want no help. Just do what they say. Once you are safe in their clutches, remain cautious. They may appear friendly, but even the nicest alien may possess a fiery temper.

Debriefing

Hopefully your abduction went well. With any luck at all, you have no residual nightmares and no missing body parts. Even so, expect a period of readjustment; reacquaint yourself slowly with human culture. Understand that most people will not be receptive to your story, but it may be helpful to share it with other abductees. Above all, have fun and enjoy your new hobby!

Attracting the "right" alien

Assuming you do not want to be a living subject for alien medical school, here are some simple guidelines for a pleasant abduction.

Don't

lose interest in extra-terrestrial life. The "medical experimentation" clans prefer typical, uninterested, non-believing humans.
make your desire for transport obvious. Aliens are not stupid; if you seem too eager, they'll assume you're a spy. At best they'll ignore you and at worst they'll reduce you and your possessions to a pile of glowing cinders.
get pregnant. Pregnant women of all ages are targets for both the medical experimentation and the baby-snatcher groups - neither set pleasant company. If this suggestion is not feasible, at least make sure the father is not an alien or an alien-human hybrid. (They like to reclaim their own.)

Do

talk casually about your interest in aliens, your desire to be an ambassador for the human race, your suspicion that extra-terrestrials are superior, et cetera. Extra-terrestrial spies are everywhere; if they pick up on your conversations, you're likely to get at least a UFO sighting. Just don't sound too eager.
acquire some interesting or unusual characteristics - juggling for instance. Most other-worldly visitors have not come for vengeance or even experimental purposes, but for entertainment. They are often children of aristocratic alien dictators out on joyrides in their parents' spacecraft. They are not interested in the mundane human cliche. They want to see backflips, double-jointed thumbs, and champion hot dog eaters.

Continue your abduction quest with these links:

Discuss abductions

Read abduction articles

Report an abduction

engl 3930 > staging server > how to > alien abduction

Copyright © 2001 Sarah Roley
Questions and comments to sarahroley@hotmail.com
Last modified January 31, 2001

engl 3930 > staging server > how to > alien abduction
How to get abducted by aliens By Sarah Roley Introduction Since the famous "Roswell" incident of 1945, tales of UFOs, close encounters, and alien abductions have abounded. People everywhere eagerly share fantastic tales of mysterious other-worldly beings. The media is also full of stories. The "X-Files," "Star Trek," Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and E.T. garner tremendous audiences, while the Internet is a veritable hothouse of abductee talk. So, you may ask, how do I jump on the bandwagon? I have not been abducted. I have seen no UFO. In fact, I have not one scrap of evidence to support the existence of extra-terrestrials, much less their activity in this solar system. What can I do? Well, that's a good question. And I'll admit alien abduction is not an exact science. It is difficult to separate fact from fiction, the crackpots and fruitcakes from the scientists and philosophers. Some who claim abduction are in earnest, others just in need of a good psychiatric evaluation. The mechanisms of studying such claims is not our intent here, however. The single best way to convince yourself that aliens truly exist is to be abducted yourself. So, let us begin. Choosing your host First, you must identify the type of aliens you wish to join. This is crucial. Amongst certain tribes, you will enjoy a healthy cross-cultural experience, perhaps bringing back to Earth ideas and technologies beneficial to the planet. Amongst certain other abductors, such as the medical experimentation and baby snatcher aliens, life can be miserable. They may expose your body to very long needles, take your baby (hence "baby snatchers"), or force you to consume large amounts of toxic substances. Preparing for abduction Once you've decided on an alien group, drop subtle hints this is known as announcing your candidacy. It can take a number of forms casual conversation at the water cooler or the purchase of abduction literature, for example. It is imperative that this is done correctly. Don't be too eager or too apathetic, for at either extreme, you risk attracting the wrong alien. Abduction etiquette You've chosen your host and announced your candidacy for abduction. What do you do on the big day? Nothing. Leave it all to them. Remember this is an abduction. They need no help; they want no help. Just do what they say. Once you are safe in their clutches, remain cautious. They may appear friendly, but even the nicest alien may possess a fiery temper. Debriefing Hopefully your abduction went well. With any luck at all, you have no residual nightmares and no missing body parts. Even so, expect a period of readjustment; reacquaint yourself slowly with human culture. Understand that most people will not be receptive to your story, but it may be helpful to share it with other abductees. Above all, have fun and enjoy your new hobby!	Attracting the "right" alien Assuming you do not want to be a living subject for alien medical school, here are some simple guidelines for a pleasant abduction. Don't lose interest in extra-terrestrial life. The "medical experimentation" clans prefer typical, uninterested, non-believing humans. make your desire for transport obvious. Aliens are not stupid; if you seem too eager, they'll assume you're a spy. At best they'll ignore you and at worst they'll reduce you and your possessions to a pile of glowing cinders. get pregnant. Pregnant women of all ages are targets for both the medical experimentation and the baby-snatcher groups - neither set pleasant company. If this suggestion is not feasible, at least make sure the father is not an alien or an alien-human hybrid. (They like to reclaim their own.) Do talk casually about your interest in aliens, your desire to be an ambassador for the human race, your suspicion that extra-terrestrials are superior, et cetera. Extra-terrestrial spies are everywhere; if they pick up on your conversations, you're likely to get at least a UFO sighting. Just don't sound too eager. acquire some interesting or unusual characteristics - juggling for instance. Most other-worldly visitors have not come for vengeance or even experimental purposes, but for entertainment. They are often children of aristocratic alien dictators out on joyrides in their parents' spacecraft. They are not interested in the mundane human cliche. They want to see backflips, double-jointed thumbs, and champion hot dog eaters. Continue your abduction quest with these links: Discuss abductions Read abduction articles Report an abduction
engl 3930 > staging server > how to > alien abduction
Copyright © 2001 Sarah Roley Questions and comments to sarahroley@hotmail.com Last modified January 31, 2001